


she

by summerprincess (notjustalittlegirl)



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Break Up, Coming Out, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, One-Sided Relationship, PSG Era, Religion, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:01:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24031711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notjustalittlegirl/pseuds/summerprincess
Summary: Five people that Tobin Heath loves, and one who finally loves her back.
Relationships: Ashlyn Harris/Tobin Heath, Shirley Cruz/Tobin Heath, Tobin Heath/Alex Morgan, Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 72
Kudos: 224





	1. Belle

**Author's Note:**

> Title: she by Dodie

So many kids hated Sunday School. After all, wasn't Sunday meant to be a _break_ from learning? The word 'school' just didn't _quite_ fit with that vision. After all, school was exactly what almost every child who woke up early on Saturday mornings to watch cartoons was glad to be free from. That was why, every Sunday, parents had to drag their kids into the church's basement with the children all but kicking and screaming the entire way. 

Tobin wasn't one of those kids, though. The five-to-six-year-olds had a nice teacher, Miss Lily, and a lot of them went to Tobin's kindergarten, so there was always a familiar face to sit next to and listen to the stories. Besides, she liked the stories, and she especially liked it when they got to color pictures of the Bible stories because Mommy would hang them up on the fridge next to Katie's report cards and Jeffrey's finger paintings.

"Have fun, sweetheart," said Cindy to her youngest daughter, before straightening Perry's church dress and all but shoving her into her classroom. Tobin waved to her mommy as Cindy left the basement for the actual service. 

"Tobin! Hi!"

Elizabeth, one of her best friends from kindergarten, grabbed Tobin's hand in her own and dragged her over to the circle on the carpet, where she had been sitting with most of the other girls in the class. Miss Lily waved to Tobin, who gave her a big smile- showing off her missing tooth- before sitting down between Elizabeth and Holly. 

"Tell Tobin what we were just talkin' about," said Elizabeth excitedly, smoothing out the wrinkles on her pink Sunday dress. Millie, across the circle, giggled and grinned happily. 

"We were just talking about who we're gonna marry when we grow up!"

The little girls' giggles filled the room as they leaned conspiratorially towards each other, putting their heads together to make sure that the boys on the other side of the carpet didn't hear them. Quickly, while Miss Lily was fiddling with her lesson plan in her pretty sky blue binder, they went around the circle so Tobin could catch up on what she'd missed while Jeffrey was throwing the fit that had almost made her late. 

"Holly wants to marry Luke Jenkins," said Millie in a whisper, and all the girls shot furtive glances over their shoulders towards a blond boy whose tie looked decidedly too tight and who was scratching his cheek. Holly blushed when Luke looked their way and tried to hide behind Tobin. The little boy shook his head in confusion, probably thinking something about how he would never ever understand girls. 

"But I was thinking," said Millie, blonde pigtails bouncing with excitement as she hurried to tell Tobin her big news! "I was thinking I'm gonna marry Prince Charming! From Cinderella!" 

Tobin was about to protest that Millie couldn't very well marry Prince Charming if he was already married to Cinderella, but Elizabeth jumped in before her, grabbing Tobin's hand and giggling furiously. 

"I'm gonna marry Aladdin," she squealed. "He's really handsome! Plus, he's got a genie and a magic carpet! And a _monkey!"_

The rest of the girls _oooh-_ ed, both excited by the prospect of their future husband having a real, live monkey and disappointed that they hadn't thought of Aladdin first. Tobin knew that Perry would be angry if she heard Elizabeth- when the movie had come out and the Heaths had all gone to see it, she distinctly remembered her sister telling Mommy that Aladdin was really cute and that _she_ wanted to marry him. 

"You'll be my bridesmaid, right Tobin?" 

Tobin nodded excitedly- of course she would be Elizabeth's bridesmaid, 'cause Elizabeth was her very best friend! She couldn't wait! 

"So," said Holly, turning her neck to look at Tobin. "Who do _you_ wanna marry, Tobin? There's lots of good ones left!" 

Tobin had to think about it for a second. She plucked at the hem of her Sunday dress, trying to get ahold of a piece of thread to fiddle with- she was sure there was a loose one _somewhere,_ and she didn't like this dress anyway and was hoping that Mommy would start letting her wear pants to services instead of this itchy dress. She wracked her brains, thinking through all the boys at school, and (when they had failed her) all the movies she had watched recently. Surely, there was someone in one of those who she'd like to marry... 

Suddenly, the answer came to her, and she smiled, finally understanding why the other girls were so excited about it! 

"I wanna marry Belle," she said happily. "From Beauty and the Beast!" 

Instead of the giggling that had greeted the other girls, and which she had been expecting, Tobin's proclamation was greeted by silence. The other girls looked at her in confusion, and Tobin's palm grew clammy in Elizabeth's. They were confused, which was making her confused, and a little bit scared. She heard Miss Lily make a noise behind their circle, putting down her lesson plan. She looked behind her at the teacher and found, instead of the usual warm smile, the half-frown which she usually directed at Willie Johnson when he talked during story. 

It was Millie who finally broke the heavy silence. 

"B-But Tobin," she said. "Belle's a _girl._ You can't marry a girl if you're a girl! Right, Miss Lily?"

The teacher didn't say anything in response to Millie's question. All she did was pick up her lesson plan and force her usual smile back onto her face, beckoning the children to sit in front of her on the carpet and opening to the Bible story she'd marked for today. Even though Miss Lily hadn't told Millie that she was right, Tobin couldn't shake the feeling that she'd said something very, very wrong. She clung a little tighter to Elizabeth's sticky hand. 

* * *

"Okay," said Miss Lily with a big smile as she noticed the crowd of parents waiting outside the door to pick up their children. "See you all next week!"

Tobin and Elizabeth made for the door, hand in hand, when suddenly Tobin felt a hand on her shoulder, turning her back around into the classroom. Confused, Elizabeth turned back around too, but she was waved on towards her mother by Miss Lily. 

"Go on, Elizabeth," said the teacher in her soft, kind voice. "I just need to talk to Tobin for a minute." 

Elizabeth nodded and gave her friend a hug goodbye, skipping out of the room and taking her mother's hand as a replacement for her best friend's. Cindy, seeing Elizabeth exit without her daughter in tow, poked her head into the classroom to see what was taking Tobin so long. 

"Mrs. Heath," said Miss Lily, beckoning Cindy into the classroom and shutting the door quickly behind them. "I need to talk to you for a minute."

"What's wrong," asked Cindy curiously, sitting down on the shedding carpet with her daughter and the Sunday school teacher, eyebrows raised. "Has Tobin done something wrong?"

Tobin's heart was pounding a mile a minute, and she was trying desperately not to cry in front of Miss Lily. She didn't know quite what she had done wrong! Belle was a girl, sure, but she was pretty and kind and liked to read! Why didn't anyone want her to marry Belle? 

Miss Lily didn't answer Cindy's question, and Tobin's mother pulled her frightened daughter into her lap. Mommy's lap was softer than the scratchy carpet, and Tobin buried her face in Cindy's dress, trying not to show how scared she was. 

"The girls were talking about who they wanted to marry before class today," said Miss Lily, her voice sounding concerned and unhappy. "It was all really lighthearted and adorable, honestly. Most of the girls were talking about Disney princes. But your daughter said that she wants to marry Belle, from Beauty and the Beast."

Cindy tightened her arms around Tobin as the little girl felt a few tears escape the corners of her eyes. She sniffled, and felt Mommy's hand stroking up and down her back, trying to comfort her. 

"What's the problem with that?"

Cindy's voice had gotten protective, especially as she felt Tobin's tears against her dress. Miss Lily sighed in exasperation. 

"Well, Mrs. Heath," she said. "You know what the Bible says about... that. I just worry for her, and for the impact that might have on the other children." 

Cindy's shoulders deflated as she continued rubbing Tobin's back. 

"I understand your concern, Lillian. But, she's just a child! I don't think it's anything we need to be concerned about. I'll talk to her, but she's five years old. _Five._ I don't think the other children are going to be negatively influenced by one comment she made."

Miss Lily nodded, and Cindy got to her feet with Tobin still in her arms.

"Tobin," said the teacher, more gently now. "I'm sorry that I scared you a little bit today. But girls don't marry girls. Do you understand, sweetheart?" 

Tobin nodded against Mommy's chest, anything to get out of there even though she _didn't_ understand, not at all. Cindy shushed her gently as they walked out of the door to find the rest of their family. Jeff was getting the car, and so Katie held Jeffrey, walking a little bit slowly as she wondered why Mom wasn't putting Tobin down. Perry sulked by her older sister's side, questioning why Tobin didn't have to walk- after all, Mommy never carried _her_ out of Sunday school. Katie shushed her closest sibling when she looked about to protest, having noticed by now the sniffles coming from their little sister's head, buried in their Mom's shoulder. 

* * *

Tobin had already said goodnight to Daddy, and to Perry and Katie and Jeffrey. She had already brushed her teeth, and Daddy had read her a story, and she had her teddy bear, and she'd said her prayers. Normally, that meant it was bedtime. But tonight, Mommy had lingered in the room with her, telling Daddy to go ahead, that she'd be right there. 

"Can I come in the bed with you?"

Tobin nodded, and Mommy pulled back the covers and settled next to her youngest daughter, wrapping a protective arm around her. She stroked her hair, and Tobin snuggled against her mother- she couldn't remember the last time she'd cuddled with either of her parents before sleep. 

"Baby," said Cindy, holding Tobin close to her. "I just want you to know that Daddy and I will always love you, okay? No matter what." 

Tobin nodded, snuggling even closer into Cindy's side. 

"I love you too, Mommy," she whispered. "And I'm sorry that I was bad." 

Cindy turned over so that she was looking Tobin right in the eyes. In the darkness, Tobin could see that Mommy's eyes were sparkly.

"No, baby," Cindy said adamantly, not breaking eye contact with her daughter. "You weren't bad. You're probably not going to marry Belle, but you're not bad."

Tobin shrugged- she hadn't thought that she was gonna marry Belle anyway, the princess was just really pretty. Then, she smiled as her mother kissed her goodnight one last time, and wished her sweet dreams.

She did have sweet dreams, about her very own wedding to a very pretty princess!


	2. Elizabeth

"Okay, Tobin, truth, or dare?"

The girls were all seated in a circle, clutching their pillows and taking bites of candy as they watched their friend, waiting for her to make her choice. Lisa's birthday slumber party had quickly devolved into giggles and games, every girl blushing as she thought of questions she both anticipated and dreaded being asked. Tobin swallowed the last of her chocolate chip cookie, then looked at Lisa, flipping her ponytail nonchalantly. 

"Truth," she said. 

Lisa grinned, bouncing up and down.

"Finally!" She squealed excitedly, giving a little clap which made her bright red fingernails shine. "It's been all dare with you, girl, so let's go! You never tell us _anything!"_

It was kind of true- Tobin wasn't usually one to engage in the type of typical girl talk and gossip that her friends so enjoyed, but she supposed it had its merits once in a while. After all, how else was she supposed to find out that Lily's first kiss had been with Johnny Bryant in the girls' locker room after soccer practice? Or that Lisa actually _enjoyed_ country music?

"So," said Lisa, wriggling her eyebrows. "If you could kiss anyone in the whole school, who would it be?"

"Oh, come on!"

Millie objected loudly, rolling her glittery eyes at Lisa's question.

"That's like a twelve-year-old question!"

"Oh, shut up," giggled Lisa, smacking her friend lightly on the arm. "Toby never tells us anything, I just wanna know!"

The other girls chorused in agreement, and Tobin bit her lip nervously. Ever since that day in Sunday School, ten years ago by her count, she had remembered not to tell anyone that she'd rather kiss girls. That whenever she sighed adoringly along with them at the sight of a handsome boy, it wasn't because of him- like that time they'd all been cooing over how hot Ben Bridges had looked at the spring dance, and she'd been drooling in admiration for his girlfriend Charlotte James, in a tight dress that left little to the imagination.

She'd prayed extra hard that night. 

But, these were her friends. They were good people, they loved her just as much as she loved them! She could trust them.

"Um," she whispered, wrapping her arms around her knees. "You guys promise not to laugh?"

"Of course we promise!" Lisa's tone was joking, reassuring. "It's not that weird Billy Jones who's always trying to sneak into the girls' locker room, is it?"

Tobin shuddered- the thought of kissing Billy Jones made her want to vomit up the delicious cookie she'd just swallowed. 

"Um," she continued, looking down at the carpeted floor, checkered with chip fragments and candy wrappers. "I- I've liked them for ages, but... But..."

"Spit it out, Tobin," said Lily impatiently, reaching for a soda and popping it open for a swig. 

"Elizabeth," she whispered, cheeks turning bright red at the thought of her best friend of years and years, long blonde hair curled perfectly and brushed to silky softness, with her full pink lips pressed against Tobin's, leaving a lipstick stain which would mark Tobin as the luckiest person in the whole school. Holding her hand in the hallways, making out underneath the bleachers, Elizabeth not caring that Tobin was sweaty from soccer practice, her lips drifting downwards... 

The silence in the circle felt like deja-vu. It echoed in her brain, a mirror of the stunned silence she had heard ten years ago on the shaggy Sunday school carpet- no matter how hard she tried, she could never forget that feeling. Immediately, she wished that she had her sleeping bag, so that she could burrow inside and never come out. 

There was another beat, then the silence was broken. 

"Cool," said Lisa with a smile, popping a Snickers into her mouth. "If I was a guy, I'd probably want to kiss her too. She's just objectively pretty."

The tension was broken, and Tobin took a deep breath. It hadn't been so bad this time- at least no one had told her that she couldn't kiss Elizabeth because they were both girls. 

* * *

Katie picked Tobin up early from the sleepover- just after breakfast, when the rest of the girls were heading back up to Lisa's room, Tobin was hopping into her sister's car, changing quickly from her pajamas into a pair of slacks and a nice top, and hopping right back into the car for church. After the service, she gave her parents quick hugs goodbye and headed down into the church's basement- after the Sunday School kids left, it became the haunt of the teenagers, for youth group. 

The second she entered the room, she could tell that something was very, very wrong.

Millie was standing at the head of a circle of girls, with some boys hanging over their girlfriends' shoulders, all leaning in and listening to whatever she had to say. When she walked over tentatively to try and join them, the group dispersed quickly, all heading for the uncomfortable metal chairs. No one said hello. No one waved. No one was even _looking_ at her except for Holly, who gave her a pitying glance as she hung on to Luke Jenkins' arm, following him to their usual spots.

A wave of inexplicable fear crashed over Tobin as she headed for her usual seat, beside Elizabeth. That fear only deepened as she looked across the circle at Millie, in her blue sundress. The girl was looking at her with an unreadable expression. Elizabeth's expression, however, was incredibly obvious.

"Get away from me," she growled, glaring at Tobin with a truly terrifying glare and jumping out of her seat. "Get. _Away._ "

Immediately, Tobin felt the tears that had been gathering in the corners of her terrified eyes start to spill over. She reached a hand out towards her best friend, trying not to let them show, praying that Elizabeth would just take her hand, the way she had so many times when they were younger. The other girl's hands still looked soft as they had when she was six years old.

"Elizabeth," she whimpered, feeling everyone's eyes stabbing daggers into her flesh. "Please- Let me-"

"You... I can't believe I _changed_ in front of you, you pervert."

Tobin's cheeks reddened as the tears fell faster. The pit in her stomach had grown, consuming her entire being. The final blow was quick and sharp. 

"Don't ever fucking call me again," spat her (former) best friend as she moved to sit near Holly and Luke. 

All Tobin could think to do was run. She shoved her chair backwards, not even waiting to hear it hit the ground, and dashed for the door, tears dripping down her cheeks as she struggled to breathe. She raced upstairs like she was heading for goal, bypassing the youth group director, pushing open the church doors and throwing herself down into one of the flower beds, leaning against the side of the building that no longer felt safe, was no longer filled with friends. 

Her head buried in her knees, she sobbed at the loss of her best friend. And, if she was being honest, quite a few of her other friends as well. The disgusted, afraid looks in their eyes as they had glared at her were seared in her fragile corneas, stabbing her over and over and over again all over her body. Snot leaked from her nose, staining her khakis, and she wished... She wished so hard that she hadn't been so stupid, so naive as to forget why she kept her secret. 

It wasn't a secret anymore. And she didn't have a best friend anymore. 

_Wake up,_ she thought to herself, the only audible thought over the frantic screaming which had consumed her brain. _Come on, Tobin! Please wake up._

* * *

It was Katie who came to pick her up from youth group. If there was something to be thankful for, Tobin supposed that was it- she had no idea how she could face her parents now, how she could possibly tell them what had just happened. Even though she knew they'd always love her, the thought of having them know how empty she felt was almost enough to send her into another fit of tears. She ran for her sister's car as the rest of the teenagers came spilling out of the church.

Katie took one look at her youngest sister and put the car in drive, turning towards the main section of town rather than around towards their house. She didn't say anything about how the dirt from Tobin's pants would stain her leather seats, or ask her any questions. They didn't even speak until Katie had pulled into the diner's parking lot, then she turned towards her sister.

"Cheese fries or mozzarella sticks?"

Tobin shrugged, biting her lip and wiping her nose with her sleeve. Katie nodded and returned ten minutes later with both, steaming hot and delicious. 

"Okay," she said, handing the food to her little sister and glaring at Tobin until she tentatively put a cheese fry into her mouth. 

"What's up, kid?"

Tobin wanted to cry just thinking about it. She swallowed around a mozzarella stick, biting her lip and trying to take a deep breath through her runny nose. 

"Hey," said Katie softly, hopping into the backseat and gesturing for her sister to join her. "You can tell me anything, Tobs. I'm here for you. Whatever it is, I won't tell mom or dad if you don't want me to." 

_Well_ , thought Tobin to herself. _If she doesn't know yet, she probably will in a few hours._

If her sister reacted the same way Elizabeth had, then there would be nothing for it.

"I'm gay, Katie," she whispered, face buried in Katie's arm. 

No pause accompanied this confession- the second the words had escaped her lips, Katie's arms were around her, pulling her closer and forcing another mozzarella stick into her mouth. Her oldest sister stroked her hair gently.

"I know, Tobs," she said quietly. "We've all known for a while- well, me, Mom, Dad, and Per. Jeff is just a kid, so he's clueless about everything, but we know. We were just waiting for you to tell us when you were ready. We love you, Tobin. We support you. Always."

A tiny part of the gaping hole in Tobin's chest knit itself back together as she chewed on another cheese fry. 

"Did something happen?" Katie's voice was concerned, following her declaration. Being gay definitely wasn't the reason that her little sister had been sobbing outside of the church which was usually such a positive place for her. 

"I'm... I love Elizabeth," Tobin whimpered. "And she... And they..."

She didn't need to say any more for Katie to understand. 

"Fuck her," growled her sister. "I'm so sorry, Tobs. You'll find someone, someday. I promise. A beautiful girl who'll love you just as you are, even though you chew with your mouth open. All this bullshit will just be a bad memory."

"Katie," she whispered. "Am I... Does God..."

"Oh, Tobin," said the older. "If God is angry at anyone right now, it's sure not you. Now, how about we finish this food, and never go back to that stupid youth group?"

Tobin gave her sister a small smile. The next Sunday, and many Sundays after, she and Katie shoveled greasy food into their mouths instead of going back into that basement. As she took a bite of her burger, Tobin thought absently to herself that God was closer to her in that diner than He'd ever been in that basement. 


	3. Ashlyn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea if UNC and Penn State are in the same conference. I don't watch college sports unless they're Wisconsin, sorry
> 
> Update: I have been informed that they are not oops

College was a breath of fresh air for Tobin. She was finally away from it all- away from the barely-concealed glares and looks of disgust from her former church friends, the girls she had known her entire life. Holly tried to mitigate it, directing the others away from Tobin whenever they look like they're about to say something to her, and Tobin always tried to sink into the pew, humiliated but silently grateful. The soccer team- Lisa, Lily, and the rest of them- stuck by her at least, but there was always a wedge between them, created by invisible fear. 

She was never invited to another sleepover, and she still cried sometimes when she sees the photos on MySpace- photos that once would have included her, but that she's been relegated to looking at on Saturday nights, alone with her thoughts.

On the UNC Soccer pitch, there was none of that. All the doors were re-opening for her, another rookie with history on the National Team who needs to prove herself. That wasn't rare there: she's just another freshman player who needs to stand out _now,_ not focus on what she did in High School, or on the Youth National Team. 

The best part, though, was the new friends. She's surrounded by them- she hasn't had this many friends since before that fateful slumber party. They make her smile, and laugh and, just as importantly, they don't give a single fuck about how gay she is. They all know it, even though she still has trouble talking about it. But, out of all of her new teammates and friends, the one that draws her in the most is Ashlyn. 

Ashlyn is the type of girl who will stand on the roof and scream _I like pussy_ to the world. She knows who she is, and she doesn't give a fuck who else does. She's out, and she's proud, and soon Tobin is following her around like a puppy on a leash, watching the way her blonde ponytail swings, watching the way her muscles tense as she goes to block a shot, watching her drink a bit too much and wishing that she was the one to help her back to her place instead of Whitney. Soon, Ashlyn is the first thought in Tobin's mind when she wakes up in the morning, and the last thought in her mind when she falls asleep, collapsing on her bed after a long day of practice. 

* * *

"Hey, Heath," said Ashlyn, slinging an arm around her teammate's shoulder. They're both sweaty as hell, but Tobin didn't care, matching her pace to Ashlyn's in order to stay close to her as they trudged off the pitch together. 

"Hey," said Tobin, trying to make her voice sound effortlessly confident while also shivering from the electricity of Ashlyn's arm around her, brushing against the bare skin of her neck and the spot just below her shoulder. 

"Good practice today," she blurted out, and then immediately wanted to kick herself. Is _that_ the best she could come up with?! She and Ashlyn had been friends for a month now, surely she could've come up with something better than _good practice._ But, luckily for her, Ashlyn doesn't seem to notice how awkward Tobin is being. 

"Yeah," she said. "Hey, listen. I know you're not huge on parties, but the guys' team is throwing a big one tonight at Alpha Sig- a whole bunch of them are members, I guess."

She rolled her eyes, as if she couldn't for the life of her understand why guys would join frats. Tobin nodded along as they entered the locker room. 

"They invited the whole team," the older girl continued. "It's fixing to be pretty fun- are you gonna come?"

Tobin's eyes widened- during her entire time at UNC, she had only been to a few parties, and most of those she had spent in a corner, chatting with a teammate or someone from class, trying to avoid the drunkest guys who were only interested in hooking up with her because she was on the soccer team. 

"C'mon," said Ashlyn. "It's gonna be great! Watching those idiots play beer pong- always the highlight of my weekend!" 

Tobin flitted back and forth- the idea of watching drunk people fuck up beer pong _did_ sound pretty funny... Plus, if Ashlyn wanted her there... 

"Okay," she said. "What time?"

Ashlyn squealed excitedly.

* * *

The soccer girls turned up to the party in twos and threes. Tobin ended up walking in around 10:30 with Kling and Allie. The shorter girl disappeared pretty quickly, but Allie stuck by Tobin's side for a little while longer, pointing out which bathrooms were the least disgusting, and which ones were likely to end up hosting couples making out. Then, Allie spotted someone across the room that she recognized, taking off with a squeeze of Tobin's hand and a promise to text her if she got overwhelmed and needed someone to take her home. Tobin nodded after her, and started searching the crowd for another wave of blonde hair.

She found Ashlyn sipping on a beer, surrounded by a crowd of friends. But, as soon as she saw Tobin, her eyes lit up and she pushed through the crowd to pull her friend into the circle, arm once again wrapped around her shoulders.

Tobin was honestly a bit surprised when Ashlyn stuck by her the whole night- the older girl was normally so social. But, as the night went on, Ashlyn seemed to be drifting closer and closer to Tobin, some part of them always touching. Ashlyn's arm had drifted lower and lower as the hours passed and was now wrapped around Tobin's waist, the younger girl's hip nestled in her keeper's hands. 

Tobin felt like she was going to hyperventilate at any moment. The party was noisy, but the only thing that mattered was how she _tingled_ at the touch of Ashlyn's arm, how the older girl had put down her second beer halfway through, neglecting to drink any more. Even though Tobin hadn't had a drop of alcohol the entire night, except a tiny sip of Ashlyn's second beer, she still felt as though she were drunk. 

"Want to get out of here?"

The voice was low in her ear, and it made Tobin shiver. She nodded, unable to conceal a small grin at the thought of Ashlyn wanting to spend time with _her,_ even when everyone knew how much she liked parties. Ashlyn smiled back at her, pulling her out into the cool autumn air and taking her hand, leading her towards her place. 

Holding hands felt nice- Ashlyn's were so big, dwarfing Tobin's, making her feel safe. Ashlyn pushed open her apartment door, calling out quickly to make sure that none of her roommates were home, then shut the door behind her, wrapping her arm back around Tobin's waist and leading her to the couch. 

"So," said the older girl, turning to her. "Did you have fun?"

Tobin nodded, heart pounding a mile a minute. She was sure that it must be audible, the excitement and nervousness running through her veins. 

"I'm glad," said Ashlyn. "'Cause it would be a shame for someone as hot as you not to have fun. I've never seen that dress on you before."

As she spoke, Ashlyn was slowly stroking her hand up and down Tobin's arm, goosebumps erupting wherever she touched. The younger girl bit her lip, blushing at the compliment.

"I... I haven't worn it yet," she said, omitting the part about how she had specifically worn the dress because Allie had told her she looked good in it while they were shopping together one day. She didn't normally like dresses, but she was pretty sure she didn't mind this one. 

"I didn't think so," said Ashlyn, her voice getting lower and lower. "I certainly would've remembered that."

"Fuck," whispered Tobin, as Ashlyn's lips suddenly grazed her jaw. "I... I..."

Ashlyn laughed. 

"Is there something you want to say, baby girl?"

The nickname made the younger girl gasp, taking in a sharp breath and shifting on the couch, her panties suddenly too restricting, too much of a blockade to where she really wanted Ashlyn's fingers. Ashlyn watched her squirm with a self-satisfied look, leaning down and pressing a chaste kiss to her lips.

It all moved fairly quickly from there. Tobin gasped again, deepening the kiss as Ashlyn hovered over her, sliding her fingers up beneath Tobin's dress to grab a handful of her strong thighs. Their clothes were tossed to the floor, and suddenly they could see all of each other. Tobin's eyes grew impossibly wider at the sight of Ashlyn, naked in front of her, breasts sticking out from her chest and the area between her legs damp with arousal.

"I've gotta ask," whispered Ashlyn between kisses. "Have you... Have you done this before, baby?"

Tobin didn't answer right away, too distracted by the feeling of Ashlyn's soft lips on the tops of her breasts, and so the older girl pulled away a little bit, stroking her cheek gently. Tobin flushed a bright red that had nothing to do with arousal as she shook her head, admitting that she had never... that no one else had ever touched her like this. 

Ashlyn looked into her eyes, saw the nerves there, and stroked her cheek again, cupping her jaw in one hand. 

"Do you want this, Tobin? It's okay if you don't, I promise. I'll take you home." 

Tobin shook her head again, more quickly this time. Her heart was pounding furiously, her skin flushed, her lips open in anticipation of more kisses, and she _wanted_ this. So much. Even though she'd known Ashlyn for so much less time, she still felt safer with her than she would have with anyone at home.

"Please," she whispered. "I want you."

Ashlyn smiled, kissing her again, slipping a thigh between Tobin's parted legs. 

"I'll stop whenever you want," she promised. "But for now, let me take you of you, pretty girl. Let me make you feel so good."

Tobin had to grab onto Ashlyn's hair when the older girl's tongue first brushed her pussy. It didn't seem to bother the other girl- rather, she smiled to herself, using one of her hands to spread Tobin's lips apart, aiming for the spot that she knew would make Tobin lose her mind. 

"Fuck," moaned Tobin, pressing herself further towards Ashlyn's mouth. Even in her inexperience, she could tell that Ashlyn was very, very good at this. The other girl's tongue on her clit, flicking back and forth, already had her chewing on her lower lip, pulling on Ashlyn's hair, trying to pull her closer. 

"A-Ash," she gasped, feeling the coil in her belly that she had only ever experienced on her own begin to build, threatening its arrival. 

"Are you close?"

Tobin nodded frantically as Ashlyn swiped her tongue across her dripping slit, urging her onward. 

"Whenever you want, Tobs," she said into her pussy. "Cum for me, sweetheart."

* * *

As good as the orgasm felt- far beyond anything she had ever been able to do herself- the best part was afterward. Ashlyn got Tobin a glass of water, pulling the still-trembling younger girl into her arms and covering them both with a soft blanket. Tobin cuddled into Ashlyn, letting the other girl bring her gently back to earth. 

"You did so good," cooed Ashlyn. "So good, Tobin. I've got you."

Tobin sighed contentedly, melting into the other girl. Ashlyn smelled good, and her arms were cozy warm, and she made Tobin feel so safe. Ashlyn held her while she slept, and Tobin thought fuzzily that this was the best night of her life. 

* * *

Tobin was nearly bouncing with excitement all day Monday- she couldn't wait for that evening's practice! Ashlyn had made her breakfast the morning after, but they hadn't spoken since then. As she readied herself to race onto the pitch, Tobin took an extra minute in the mirror, to make sure that her ponytail was even and that she didn't have any obvious spots on her face, and she even shined her lips with the chapstick she'd bought at the pharmacy- she knew that her lips had been dry when Ashlyn kissed her last time, and she didn't want them to be this time.

She spotted Ashlyn talking to Whitney on the other side of the pitch and dashed over towards her, heart pounding with excitement. 

"...I swear, Whit," said Ashlyn, as Tobin got close enough to hear snippets of their conversation. "When we play Penn State this weekend- that defender! God, I'd love to get to know _her_ off the field."

Whitney shook her head, exasperated with her friend.

"Ash," she said. "Must you hook up with anything that has legs?"

Tobin froze in her tracks, dropping her water bottle with a sharp gasp. It felt like Ashlyn had just shot a bullet at her with her words, and it had hit its mark. Immediately, her lip started trembling, along with the rest of her body, as she tried to absorb what she had just heard. Apparently, she must have gasped a little too loudly, because Alyssa and Whitney looked up to see her standing there, shaking like a newborn fawn, clearly not having expected what had just happened.

Ashlyn's face crumpled as she reached out a hand.

"Tobin, I-"

Tobin didn't let her finish. Instead, she ran. Faster than she had maybe ever run in her life, back through the locker room and past her stunned coach, and out the doors with hot, humiliated tears running down her cheeks. She didn't stop until she was back at her dorm, throat dry even while her eyes were wet, and close to throwing up. She didn't have her bag- she was only lucky that her roommate was in, because she didn't even have her keys. 

The other girl took one look at her and decided that this was above her capabilities as an acquaintance, and so patted Tobin awkwardly on the shoulder and left to study at the library. Tobin barely noticed her leave, she was sobbing so hard. 

_God,_ she thought to herself, pulling her secret teddy bear out from under her bed and burying her face in his soft fur like she had been doing for years whenever she got sad. _Tobin, you fucking idiot. Of course, that was all you were. Just a hookup- why the fuck did you expect anything else? Why would you be anything to her except sex?_

She cried for what felt like ages, heartbroken and humiliated, into her teddy bear's soft fur, until a sharp knock on her door broke through the haze of tears. 

The knocker didn't wait for her to respond- it was obvious to anyone with ears that she was in. It was more to announce her presence than anything else. The door creaked open, and Tobin could make out a figure through her teary eyes- pretty much the last person she wanted to see. 

She didn't even have the energy to tell Ashlyn to go away. All she could do was let out another sob, cheeks flushing with the embarrassment of being caught like this, sobbing like a baby into her teddy bear over something that shouldn't have even surprised her.

Ashlyn slowly approached her bed, setting her bag down at the foot of it with a clunk, placing her water bottle gently on her desk and holding something wrapped in a napkin out in front of her like a peace offering. When Tobin didn't immediately take it, Ashlyn set it on the nightstand and took a cautious seat on Tobin's bed. 

"Tobs," she said softly, and her voice sounded rough to the younger girl, like Ashlyn too might have been crying. "I... I think we need to talk."

Tobin nodded, wiping the wettest of her tears on her fuzzy blanket and refusing to meet Ashlyn's eyes, for fear of what she might find there. 

"I'm sorry," whispered the keeper, biting her lip. "Fuck, Tobin, I'm so sorry. I... I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have slept with you."

Tobin swallowed around the lump in her throat, trying to find the words to tell Ashlyn that this wasn't her fault, that Tobin shouldn't have assumed they were doing anything more than hooking up, and that just because it meant something to Tobin didn't mean it had to mean anything to Ashlyn. 

But all she could do was sniffle, cursing herself.

Ashlyn looked at her awkwardly, unsure of what to do while she waited for a response, and settled for picking at the lint on Tobin's sheets. 

"I-I... It's n-not... I'm s-sorry t-too," managed Tobin, and Ashlyn reached out and squeezed her hand tightly, fighting back tears of her own.

"This isn't your fault, Tobin," she said. "You... You deserved better than that. And I'm so sorry. I just don't... You're such a good friend, and I fucked it all up."

Tobin let Ashlyn hug her, breathing in the older girl's scent, feeling how Ashlyn was shaking too. 

"It'll be okay," she said, finding it easier to steady her voice now that she was being held. "I shouldn't have assumed. And at least I know you care about me."

Ashlyn nodded, squeezing Tobin tightly. 

"I care about you so much," she said. "And I hope... Can we..."

Tobin nodded into Ashlyn's chest. 

"We can still be friends, Ash," she said, feeling the weight on her heart lighten a little bit. 

Ashlyn grinned, reaching for the thing she had left on Tobin's nightstand and handing it to the other girl. 

"I... I brought you a cookie."

Tobin broke out into peals of laughter, accepting the cookie, and everything it meant. 


	4. Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit of a short chapter, and i'm sorry for that, but next chapter is probably gonna be hella long so...

Tobin breezed through the door, arms full of grocery bags, which she set on the table with a light thud. The kitchen was tiny, so she barely had to go anywhere to reach the fridge and stow the food before walking down the short hallway towards the bedroom to find her girlfriend of three months laying on the bed, reading some book with a Spanish title that was incomprehensible to Tobin. 

"Thank God for self-checkout machines," she sighed, flopping onto the bed beside Shirley and giving her a peck on the cheek. The other woman laughed, marking her place and rolling onto her side to give Tobin a quick peck on the lips. 

"We need to keep working on your French?"

Tobin scoffed indignantly, before a raised eyebrow from Shirley made her burst out laughing, admitting that her girlfriend was right and that _yes,_ they did need to work on her French. Before too long, people were going to start making fun of her for the fact that little Lindsey Horan, several years Tobin's junior, could speak the language so much better than she could. Even though, Tobin would protest, Lindsey had been there longer! 

"What were you thinking for dinner tonight?"

"Maybe just a big salad with some chicken on top? We have early training tomorrow, and I don't want to be washing dishes too late." 

Shirley nodded in agreement, giving Tobin a kiss on the cheek. Tobin closed her eyes, leaning into the affection. If she hadn't, she might have been able to see that, while the curve of Shirley's mouth as they kissed was arched upwards in a smile, the expression didn't quite reach her eyes.

* * *

It had started off as a matter of convenience- two salaries equalled a bigger apartment which, in Paris, meant leaving what was essentially a studio for something that actually had space to turn around in a full circle without hitting at least one wall. Nights of casual conversation had eventually grown deeper. Little sparks had begun to fly between the roommates, and before long Tobin had fallen head-over-heels for the Costa Rican woman, and ended up kissing her after a (rare) victory against Olympique Lyonnais.

One thing had, naturally, led to another. And now, here they were, sitting at their (their! the word had taken on a whole new meaning for Tobin.) kitchen table and eating a simple dinner. Tobin wrapped her ankle around Shirley's, smiling to herself as she ate her salad and chicken, basking in the happiness that she felt by the other woman's side. 

Her _girlfriend's_ side. 

"I love you," she said between bites, making sure that she had swallowed any and all stray food before giving Shirley an adoring smile. Shirley took another bite of her salad, mumbling what must have been an 'I love you, too,' back to Tobin. 

They crawled into their (their!) bed together, earlier than normal, and before Shirley could turn out the light, Tobin was giving her a crooked, suggestive smile, licking her lips before plastering Shirley's with a deep kiss. The other woman kissed Tobin back, parting her lips with her own for a brief moment before pulling away and running a soft hand over Tobin's cheek. 

" _Buenos Noches,_ Tobin," she said, flicking off the light and plunging the room into darkness. Gently, it was always gently with Shirley, she discouraged Tobin's wandering hands. 

"Not tonight, Tobin," she said. The American felt the sting for a minute, before giving Shirley a quick kiss on the cheek and putting her glasses on the bedside table. She knew she wasn't imagining the way that the other woman turned away from her, curling into herself as she fell asleep, but she was sure that it was nothing. It had been a long day, and they did have early training the next morning. Besides, Shirley loved her. She knew that Shirley loved her.

* * *

The next morning, Tobin woke up with the other side of the bed empty, and the sound of movement from the bathroom. 

"Shirley? Baby?"

The bathroom door creaked open to reveal her girlfriend, arms wrapped around herself and walking slowly and miserably back towards the bed, a thermometer clutched in her hand. 

"Hey," whispered the other woman, and Tobin immediately hopped out of bed and ran to her, pulling her into her arms and helping her back over to the bed.

"Are you feeling okay, baby?"

Shirley melted back down into the mattress, letting Tobin pull the covers over her and clutching the extra pillow to her chest. She shook her head.

"I... I don't know what it is. I already called in..."

"Just give me a second to find my phone," said Tobin, running a hand across her girlfriend's forehead and feeling that it was slightly warm. "Then I'll call in too, and we can stay home together. I'll take care of you."

Shirley shook her head, gripping the pillow tightly to her chest and taking a sip from the glass of water which always rested on her bedside table.

"No, Tobs," she said. "You go. He won't like it if we're both not there. I'll be fine," she continued, seeing the concerned look on Tobin's face as the American fought the instinct to climb back into bed and wrap Shirley tight in her arms. 

"Are you sure?"

Twenty minutes later, Tobin was on her way to practice by herself, wishing that she had just stayed home with Shirley. She hated the idea of the other woman being all alone while she was sick, but then again, if Shirley said it was okay, then Tobin had to trust her. 

* * *

She pushed open the door to the apartment that afternoon, mind whirling. She was exhausted, as always, and couldn't wait to just get into the shower and then fall into bed beside Shirley. She was scanning the pantry in her mind, hoping that they had soup- she didn't really want to go back out and get any, but she also really wanted to make her girlfriend something warm, something good for when one was sick. 

Her mind was so crowded (she had also told Lindsey that she'd come over soon, and was wondering when the best night to do it would be) that it took her until she reached the kitchen to realize that something was wrong. It was that familiar pit in her stomach again, a punch in the gut that she remembered all too well, that wave of nausea that washed over her and told her that everything, not just something, was very wrong. 

The apartment was empty. Not completely empty, of course. There was still food in the fridge, furniture on the floor, curtains on the windows. But, as Tobin dashed from room to room, praying that she was wrong, it became clearer and clearer that things were missing.

Shirley's books. Her clothes. The little trinkets and treasures that rested on her nightstand. The nightstand itself. The comforter- she had forgotten that was Shirley's, she had washed it so many times. 

And the only trace that was left of her girlfriend in the apartment was a note, that Tobin could barely read through the teary film covering her eyes as she felt the world she had built over the past few months crumble down. 

_Dear Tobin,_ it read. 

_I am so sorry for doing this this way. You deserve better, I know you do. But I know that if I don't do it this way, I won't be able to. I wouldn't be able to handle the look in your eyes._

_I had to go. I had to leave. I wasn't happy- I never was, Tobin. You didn't see it- you were too busy being in love with me to see it. I tried, I really did try to feel the same way you felt for me. I tried so hard._

The last word in the sentence was a bit hard to read- Tobin wasn't sure if it was her own teardrops or Shirley's that had blotted the paper. She wasn't really sure of anything anymore.

_But Tobin, please don't blame yourself. There's nothing you could have done. I thought I could love you, but I can't. I thought I could fake it, but I can't. I need to be happy, and you need a chance to find someone who really makes you happy. Who can say that she loves you, too._

_You're going to be okay._

_Forever your friend (if that's something you want),_

_Shirley_

By the time she finished the note, Tobin was lying on the kitchen floor, heart trying to break free of her ribcage, pounding to try and escape her constricted chest, unable to handle the amount of weight that had just dropped onto it. She couldn't believe that she had been so stupid- how was she _always so stupid?_ She had thought Shirley loved her but, as she sobbed on her (not their) floor, she realized that it had just been her stupid imagination, fucking her up once again! Hindsight, even when one is lying on the floor with a broken heart, is 20/20.

Now all she could see was the mumbled words, words that she had thought were 'I love you,' but could have been anything. Refused hugs, reading instead of talking, the way that Shirley hardly ever kissed her lips... The signs had been there, and Shirley had probably just been waiting for her to notice, hoping that Tobin would break up with her before she had to admit the truth, thinking that it was easier to feign sadness while being quietly relieved, rather than having to hurt the American.

She hadn't counted on Tobin falling in love with her so quickly.

Tobin couldn't even bring herself to be angry at Shirley- she didn't want to force anyone to be with her if they didn't want to be. No matter how bad she wished that she could be with them. 

Tobin crumpled the note in her fist as she cried, squeezing it as if it was the only thing left anchoring her to the world, the only indication that there had ever been a Shirley Cruz living here, the only way to convince herself that she had ever thought she was loved. 

She didn't even remember calling Lindsey. All she remembered was that, by the time the younger woman got over to her (not their) apartment, she was still gasping out sobs, shoving the note at her friend to read, because she didn't think she could say the words out loud.

_Shirley left me. I was never loved, not by her._

Lindsey skimmed the thing, and then the younger woman's strong arms were around Tobin, slightly frightened as she helped her mentor rise shakily to her feet. Tobin had comforted her through many a bout of homesickness, through regrets and self-esteem collapses, and she wasn't exactly sure how to do the same. But she knew enough not to take Tobin into the bedroom that she had shared with Shirley, instead half-carrying her to the extra one, the one that had become unoccupied when Tobin and Shirley started dating. 

She left the door open so that she could hear if Tobin's sobs picked up any new worrying tones, then returned to the kitchen and dug around in the cupboards. Briefly, she considered heating up some soup, but then she saw the package of cookies, the ones that she had introduced Tobin to and that the older woman had become obsessed with. She slid into bed beside Tobin and let the older woman collapse onto her, pulling her close and whispering words that she hoped were comforting.

"You're going to be okay, Tobin. It's going to be okay. I'm here, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, and I promise you're going to get through this."

She hesitated before saying the last bit, but she couldn't help it, she couldn't let Tobin keep crying without just a bit more hope.

"You'll find her someday, and you'll know when you do."

Lindsey held Tobin while she cried and cried and cried.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!


End file.
